Year: 2012

Impatience is a Good Thing…

…when it allows you to drop the reins, film your horse, and claim he’s being gentlemanly.

Open, closed, if it’s in his way, it bugs him. He’ll close the arena gate as we pass by if it was left open, and is blocking the line on the rail.

Oh Hudson, how I love thee!

Ah, Spring.

So far, this has incited Hudson into two jail breaks.

#1: After getting shoes. He has a most excellent farrier, Dane, who offered to return him to his paddock (probably so I’d stop hanging around trying to look busy, neither of them need me to be present) when done being shod.

I go to the feed store.

An hour later, Laurie spots them surreptitiously grazing in an inconspicuous spot quite close to their paddock. They think we won’t notice the lack of fencing in front of them. Laurie said both their attitudes were something like this: “No no, we’re fine. We’re supposed to be here.  Just grazing.  Near our paddock.  See? There’s a fence.”

#2: Bella steps out her back door in time to see Hudson pick the lock on the main gate, setting himself and Woodrow free.  This gate is closed with a horse-proof carabiner type clip. We still don’t know how he managed this feat.

I generally have to fuss with it to get it open. It’s a clumsy operation.

Hudson and Jane are back on the ouchy-achey road to fitness. Six weeks off of Real Riding might as well be a year for me.  I don’t have even half an Ab left. My inner thighs are sore from posting for ten minutes.

(Oh, the SHAME…I mean, um, it’s so, uh, good to be reminded of what beginning riders have to go through…)

You may  have to put up with less than stellar blogging as my brain takes the ouchy-achey road back to thinking…

(FYI, I missed you guys a LOT!)

The Art (and humor!) of Jody Lynne Werner

Lucky for us, Jody Werner stopped by to identify herself as the creator of “Air Amatuer”. I’m going to shamelessly plug her website, seeing that I laughed myself silly for a good 15 minutes, and her humor and art are terrific. (And buyable!) Go to Misfit Designs. Still giggling over the lesser known horse breeds.

I believe I’ve found Hudson’s Warmblood brand:

Report back.  Did you find your horse among the lesser known breeds?

In Which We Ignore Armchair Psychology and Go For the Frosting

Mirror, Mirror, on the Wall……does this horse make my butt look small…?

Our relative sizes fuels my denial, so I can continue to use frosting for comfort. Who wouldn’t look small next to that engine? I’m not sure if I am sabotaging my desire to fatten up, or sabotaging my desire to slim down: I’m hitting the gym, as well as the frosting.

Now, we will bore you with a simile or an allegory. I can’t remember which is which:

A number of years ago, Shaun wandered out into our verdant backyard with a glass of iced tea, where she found me kneeling  next to a flower border, trowel in hand, smeared with dirt, and laughing like a lunatic.

For most people, this would be a signal it’s time to hear their mother calling. But Shaun is braver than most people.

“Do I want to know why you’re laughing?”, she says, sipping her tea.

“Yup”, I say, trying to contain giggles, absolutely convinced I’m SO FUNNY.

Shaun makes a rolling motion with her hand: continue.

“I just planted Ajuga next to Lambs Ears, in front of the Japanese anemones!!”  I double over in a new fit of laughter.

Shaun considers this.  “And this is funny, because…?”

Continue reading “In Which We Ignore Armchair Psychology and Go For the Frosting” →

In Which Jane Remembers Why the Real Horse is Better than the Dream Horse

Before Hudson, I would go to Tiny when I was upset, and he would “hug” me. If I stood at his neck or shoulder, he’d try to bend his head and neck to wrap around my body.  Tiny’s affection saved me often. If I hung on  him, he’d drop his head over my shoulder and pull me toward his chest by pulling his head back.  He was amazingly smart and intuitive, and very willing to share his boundless affection. Horses are all different, but my experience has been they “get” sadness, and try to help. (I may also be living in Black Beauty World.)

I leave the hospital determined to see Hudson.  A hug from Hudson will make it better.

Helplessness is not a  useful feeling for me.  It leads me right into Train Wreck Thinking: helpless goes to hopeless, hopeless goes to powerless, powerless goes to (?) I’m a terrible human being.

Yeah.  I don’t get it either.

The weather mirrored my emotional state: driving rain, erratic shifts in the direction of the wind, with low visibility.

By the time I got to the barn, my train wreck was in full dramatic rending and crashing.

I step out of the car. It’s freezing cold, and the storm seems to have intensified.  I fill the boy’s grain buckets, and hike up to their shelter. It’s unexpectedly cozy inside.  It’s only two and a half sides, but it’s quiet, dry, and wind-free.

I dole out buckets, and check under-blanket temperatures.  They’re fine.  Toasty.

I walk up to a chewing Hudson, and plunk my forehead on his shoulder. I sob.

Hudson looks at me with mild alarm:  Okaaaaay. 

He doesn’t move, but his body  weight shifts away from me.

Oh. I’m bugging him.  Maybe it’s  the weird forehead plunk? Surely he’ll comfort me.

I do a more normal thing: I stand at his shoulder and gently lean my shoulder against his. I want to crawl under his blanket. I continue to sob, leaning on him.

Hudson scoops a huge amount of grain into his mouth, so he can chew and consider me without having to reach down again.

“It’s just hard”, I say. “I have all these feelings.”

His ears swivel. Grain dribbles out of his mouth, and he tries to catch it with his lips: the big wad of grain remains safe behind his clamped teeth. Talented horse.

“I don’t want to keep bugging my friends”, I say, “and I can’t stop crying, I thought talking to you would help.”

Hudson doesn’t have a clue what I’m saying. But I am convinced horses can read our emotional intention.  I wait for my “hug”.

Instead, this happens:

Continue reading “In Which Jane Remembers Why the Real Horse is Better than the Dream Horse” →

In Which We Slink Back to our Blog and Hope No One Noticed Our Absence…

With thanks to Daisy, who righted the world for me.  Again.

I have not been funny.  I’ve had the emotional equivalent of Ebola. I not only had nothing funny to share, I was afraid I would infect the blog. Caution: I may still be Not Funny.

We had a medical crisis in the family.  That’s what all the driving over the Golden Gate bridge was about: driving to the hospital.

17 days is a long time for someone you love to be hospitalized. Especially for the sick person. But if we temporarily ignore the Sick Person…?

This weird thing began to occur…

Continue reading “In Which We Slink Back to our Blog and Hope No One Noticed Our Absence…” →

Rebel With a Clause: The Dreaded New Year’s Resolution List

English: A cake.

I don’t do New Year’s Resolutions.

Why? Because I, Jane, am a rebel. Unfortunately, I’m a practical rebel, who knows her limitations. My lists contain escape clauses.

This is how every New Year’s Resolution Lists turn out:

  •  I will not eat cake more than once a month.
  • I will not eat cake more than once a week.
  • I will not eat cake every day.
  • I will go to the gym every day: 30 minutes of cardio, 30 minutes of weights.
  • I will go to the gym every day: 30 minutes on the treadmill with the TV.
  • I will look at the gym every day, and consider going through the door.
  • I will randomly think about the gym. While eating cake.
  • I will enjoy long walks in the rain with my dog, and see it as quality time. (Instead of walking ten feet and saying “will you POOP already?”)
  • I will endure long walks in the rain with the dog, no complaining.
  • I will consider dashing out between sprinkles without yelling “POOP!” at the top of my lungs.
  • I will think before I speak.
  • I will pause as if I’m thinking before I speak.
  • I’m just going to blurt it out.
  • I will stop apologizing for everything.  (It’s kind of a tic)
  • I will stop apologizing for the dumb stuff.
  • I’m sorry: sorry sorry sorry. 
  • I will organize the file drawer and keep it updated.
  • I will organize the stuff to file, so it’s easy to file later.
  • I will shred anything that is not notarized.
  • I will blog better.
  • I will blog.
  • I will blather a lot on the internet.
  • I will rekindle my fashion sense, and update my style.
  • I will check my color wheel before shopping.
  • I’ll buy a new T-shirt.
  • I will keep the interior of my car vacuumed, and wash it once a week.
  • I will throw out the trash that accumulates in the car, daily.
  • I will shove all the crap under the seats.
  • I’ll make a reasonable budget, and stick to it.
  • I’ll make a budget, and look at it before spending.
  • I’ll spend and panic.
  • I will make it my mission to spread cheer and goodness in the world every day.
  • I’ll say something positive at least once during the day.
  • I’ll tell my mom she looks nice, some time this year.
  • I will stop procrastinating.
  • I will procrastinate less.
  • I’ll figure it out later.

I tried reverse psychology one year (one can hope that one is seriously stupid):

  • I will eat cake every day.
  • I will make a nest on the sofa so I only have to forage for food and fresh clicker batteries.
  • I’ll teach the dog how to flush the toilet to avoid winter walks
  • I’ll say really stupid stuff often: it will just be out there that I’m an imbecile. I won’t have to wonder if it shows.
  • I will pile all the paper up on my desk.
  • I’ll never write anything. Ever.
  • I’m not leaving my nest, so who cares about style? Bonus: nixes spending issues.  Can’t reach computer.
  • I’m going to be really negative, grouchy and cranky.  It’ll be fun!
  • I’ll turn procrastinating into the form of high art it deserves to be.

Oddly, this was the only year my resolutions worked.  After a week of perfect sloth, indifference, crankiness and an extremely disgruntled dog, I had to quit.

Fine. I’m lying.  I lasted two days.

You can get pizza delivered easily.  Why is there no cake delivery service? Isn’t that a no-brainer? When more than half the population of the world is women?

1-800-dial-a-slice. I think I’ll start a company.

Tomorrow.

Jane’s Hiring: Must Be Good With Convolution, One-Trackness, and Brain Routing

My friends are  professionally accomplished, and have big important jobs.  Using classic Under-Achiever logic, I feel I don’t need to do more with my life, because they are doing so much. It’s kind of like I’m achieving by association. (Keep up the good work, guys! I like feeling important.)

The big important jobs happen in the big important city. Super Achieving friends have major commute. Months-without-sleep kind of commutes.

They never whine. I never hear about freezing at the bus stop at 3 am or the four hours a day some friends spend driving back and forth to their jobs.

I’m only on day three of driving back and forth to San Francisco. (I do not get to call it a commute: by the time I hit the freeway, everyone is finally up to the speed limit, I have an “ish” arrival time, and I do not have to apply mascara at an ungodly hour.) Annoyingly, I still want to whine.

I don’t have to be functional when Tokyo comes online. I just have to stay in my lane.

The Under-Achiever in me feels super important about how well I stay in my lane.

Re-wiring issue #1: No Whining.  I think we all understand why it’s imperative to keep Jane from whining about the drive. She’d like to keep her friendships.

Re-wiring issue #2: Because my usual commute involves a short hallway and bunny slippers, my brain believes driving to San Francisco is a Road Trip.  If you regularly follow this blog, you immediately know why this is a bad thing.  If my brain continues to send out Mayday “Road Trip” signals, I will never fit into my skinny jeans again.

Yesterday I needed more caffeine to keep up my excellent lane-management skills.  I stopped at a gas station for a diet Coke. Twenty-seven seconds of aisle-frenzy later, I was sitting in my car staring at a candy bar (love),  vinegar potato chips (hate), a pack of gum (?) and a diet Coke. All for the low, low gas station price of fifteen bucks.

Amend the above: if I don’t stop the Road Trip mentality, I will be fat and broke. I yell at my brain.

Jane: This is not a Road Trip!

Brain: I know. Sheesh. What was THAT all about?

Jane: Um. Shouldn’t you know what that was all about?

Brain: Nope. Sorry. Take it to a shrink. Not my job.

Jane: C’mon! You’re the brain, you’re in charge!

Brain: Hello. Obviously I am not in charge.  Look down.  Vinegar chips.  9:30 am.  I rest my case.

I have to concede the point. It knows I don’t like vinegar potato chips. In fact, I can’t remember my brain ever suggesting I buy them.

Help!

IT Position: Laid back company with “ish” mentality, welcomes driven, proven, IT managers with systems routing experience. Must have current psychotherapy license, sense of humor, patience, and strong “Mother says NO” attitude capabilities. Fast reflexes a must: light duty cellophane bag snatching is required.  Salary commensurate with results.

Any takers…?