Snore-A-Long: It’s a Guy Thing

The doc calls out, after the nurse waves me to the surgery waiting room, “See you in 4 hours!’

Four hours?  I can handle 4 hours of imagining Shaun’s knee near a reciprocating saw, right?

Um. No. I will surpass “train wreck” and go right to “please sedate me soon” status within an hour.

I wobble down the unnaturally bright hallway.  An open door leads invitingly to a windowless, very dark, unlit room.  Oh. Shaun has the first surgery. No one else is here yet.

There’s a dirty bundle linen wadded up on one of the chairs. Blech. I calm myself. Ohmmmmmm. Surely no orderly would leave Ebola infected linens lying around?

Note to self: buy purse large enough to hide industrial-sized can of spray disinfectant.

I walk in. The dirty linen is wearing a baseball cap and snoring. I don’t turn on the light. Poor soul has probably been up all night waiting on a surgical outcome from the emergency room.

I scan for a seat at a reasonable distance from the snoring linen.

That’s when I realize a total of five men are sprawled, draped and squashed around the room, all sound asleep, on what amounts to deluxe bus stop benches that the hospital is trying to pass off as sofas and chairs. (They’re padded! They have backs!)

I wedge myself into a dark corner, in one of a handful of “chairs”.

They are all snoring. Loudly. Emphatically. It’s an Opus of snoring. A remarkably harmonic symphony of snoring. It’s snoring as Wagner would have composed. It’s Ride of the Valkyries snoring. This has to be the work of Mr. Chips.

I try not to worry about Face-Plant guy. He’s sleeping face down, in a sort of road-kill position. Is it possible to be dead and still snore?

I sit quietly, lulled by Guy Snoring.

30 minutes go by before I realize I’m NOT ANXIOUS. This is so unexpected, I’m shocked to find I’m amused.  The Guy Snoring seems to have a serene, calming effect on my nerves.

Dear Universe,

I apologize for thinking you forgot me on the humor-front. This is awesome!.

Love,
Jane

I email a description of this epic cacophony to Daisy and Bella. They’re already at work. (Frankly, there’s probably a pre-arranged plan for how they are going to share tasks in The Great Jane Surgery Meltdown.)

Jane: You are so never going to believe this.

Bella: ?? Everything ok?

Daisy: There’s no way she could have died already.  What?

Jane: I’m fine. I’m in a dark waiting room.  There’s five guys sound asleep.  One looks dead, but he’s not.  They are all SNORING.  Loudly. Zzzz’s to the nth power. It’s so…relaxing

Bella: Bwahahahahahaha. Yeah, guy snoring is pretty soothing.

Daisy: Jesus. It could only happen to you.

It’s so totally cool: I don’t need redirection, damage control, or a blanket fort!

I selfishly pray they have four more hours of sleep left in them. I relax, open my iPad, and  begin to kill zombies.  Life is good. Nothing like a zombie with a pat of butter on its head.

I’m defending my roof from giant zombies with flamingo crossing sign clubs,

pvz_2ndrunllbb

as three women arrive to shake awake three of my symphony members. I manage not to stomp my foot: hopefully they have good news about their loved one?

In moments, there are 4 guys in various stages of waking. Dang. Wait…wait…face-plant-is-he-dead guy is going to sleep on. Relief. Still snoring.

They talk quietly in Spanish. I don’t speak Spanish, but I understand enough to know they are discussing getting something to eat. The talk veers into stuff I don’t understand, except for the word ‘hospital’. It gets quiet. It’s clear they are waiting for an update from staff.

The room feels elevator-sized with eight people not sleeping. We all look at the door. Avoid eye contact. Lone snoring fills the air. I go back to silently killing zombies.

Music. Someone brought a radio? It’s playing softly, but distinctively. I cheer up.  Thank the Universe again. Because it’s Mariachi music. (Trumpets! Violins! Harp! Guitar! Guitarron! Vihuela!) It’s happy.  It’s cheerful.  It’s completely out of place.

Enya would have reduced me to a sobbing mess.  Mariachi?  Bring on the pinata, and pass the paper plates.  Frankly, it’s as good as five guys snoring.

Mariachi.  The perfect anxiety antidote.  It goes pretty well with killing zombies too. I love it when The Universe decides what I need.  I rarely get it right.

How has The Universe surprised you, in your time of need?

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8 thoughts on “Snore-A-Long: It’s a Guy Thing

  1. Net

    How about a mariachi band performing My Way? http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pguBdDR5E_0&list=UUEG49e-gyB4r5fTpG-Xa9Ew&index=85
    I randomly had a bunch of “indie mambo” guys in my dad’s van with me driving somewhere in West Texas when I got the phone call that my grandma had just passed away. Their singing, including mariachi stuff, while we drove and stopped at gas stations on the way to Austin helped comfort me. I still would swear that my grandma intentionally waited until I was around people who would comfort me, as the dynamic within my family is that everyone else relies on me instead of ever comforting or being there for me.

    Reply
  2. jenj

    I admit, I’m amused by both the snoring and the Marichi band. But what really caught my attention was the zombie game. Killing them with vegetables? Really? And WHAT is up with the melted butter? Inquiring minds want to know…

    Reply
    1. Jane

      It’s Plants vs. Zombies, or PvZ. The link above should take you to Popcap games, where you can try it online for free. It’s available in iTunes App Store, not sure if there are non i-versions? It’s hilarious, lots of little humorous tweaks by the creators. You defend your lawn with pea shooters, corn on the cob, cabbage catapults etc. My favorite are the disco zombies. But they don’t show up until the night time levels! One of the few games I don’t get bored with…

      Reply
  3. Teresa

    okay, I cannot show this to my husband because his snoring drives me batty. Recently we were in a hotel with 2 small double beds (stranded at airport) so we slept in one bed each. In the night I threw a pillow at him. The next day at breakfast he referred to being pummeled by pillows in the night……I was hoping he was too sleepy to remember. 🙂

    Reply
    1. theliteraryhorse Post author

      LOL. I have no idea how I’d feel about it if I were trying to sleep, instead of kill zombies with vegetables! Can you load your iPod with mariachi music? I know from experience that drowns out even the loudest snoring. (Though you may find yourself dancing inappropriately in the hotel room?)

      Reply
    1. theliteraryhorse Post author

      I did hear that their loved one came through the surgery very well, and was expected to make a complete recovery wtihin a few days. Once I heard that, I felt much more comfortable letting myself float in the comfort of snoring, and the anti-seriousness of mariachi music. I also discovered snoring is like yawning. Contagious. I was so relaxed I began to get sleepy!

      Reply

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