All I Want For Christmas…

…are things that don’t exist, but should.

I have everything I need, which thankfully coinsides with everything I want. Anna Blake did an awesome blog post on Thanksgiving for Christmas here.

  • Donkey Lending Library.

(Self explanatory to anyone who has ever met a donkey.)

  • Opinionated, talking, inanimate objects.

I feel this would be the fastest and most consistent way of having humor on an hourly basis. I would crack up if my fridge firmly clamped it’s doors shut the second I plunked groceries on the counter, and said “You’re not gonna put THAT in me, are you?! Nu-Unh. NO WAY.”

Life would become highly entertaining. Of course, this would have to come with a “mute” option, so we don’t get carted off to the hospital.

  • Magical carrot bags: impossible to empty, always fresh. (We have to have Hudson’s wish in here too.)
  • Horses should poop gold nuggets. Win-win.
  • Weather. Clicker.
  • Google App for the brain: Download a Skill.
  • If Congress refuses to work out an issue reasonably, everyone, on both sides, should have to wear a huge pointy party hat, polka-dotted, with streamers and uncomfortable chin elastic until it’s settled.  On TV.
  • Option to Reverse Retire: retire when young, energetic and fit, work when older, stiff, and wise enough to keep mouth shut.
  • FaceTime and Skype connectivity to Heaven. (Hi Grandma!!  Miss you!  How’s Mr. Chips?”)
  • Fairy Dust. Who doesn’t want fairy dust? Sprinkle on barn politics, broken cars, sad critters, one’s own brain: the list could go on and on.
  • The Argument Remote: pause, think, rewind, do-over, database access, and of course: mute.
  • Zen Vision Goggles with Zap capability: instant perspective for self, ability to zap others in need.

What’s on  your “should exist, but doesn’t”, wish list?

22 thoughts on “All I Want For Christmas…

  1. Well this inspired me to amend my own Christmas Wish List over at one of my own blogs:

    Spouse/Animal Mind Meld: The ability to tap into their brains because I have NO CLUE what the heck they’re thinking most the time!

    Fingertip Point & Mute: Especially handy for the Cattle Dog Shriek.

    Personal Hover Fan: It goes where you go … because menopause sucks. Still.

    Cattle Prod Bumpers: Need I explain?

    Saddle Horn Delete: Hit the horn cap, it deletes your last miscue.

    Call slapping: You can reach through the phone and slap the telemarketer who interrupted your dinner to take a poll.

    Chia Groceries: All you do is add water and they magically appear and prepare themselves.

    Equine Zumba: Where Dances With Horses meets the Bossa Nova. (Would LOVE to see someone perform dressage to that!)

    Grocery Cart Horn & Front End Loader: The horn because it’s not common knowledge that isles are traffic lanes, and the front end loader to push all those isle-blocking displays and shoppers elsewhere.

    And while I’m on the Grocery Theme List:

    Nerf Deli Bats: Because apparently taking a number and waiting your turn isn’t for everyone. Now if we got a bat with that number … ’nuff said!

    Fluorescent Exact-O Knives: Some days it takes longer to find the Exact-O knife than it takes to feed the horses. (Most days) I think the FAA would approve!

    Vapor Lock Saddle Switch: For those times when your horse is too hot to handle. Mid-buck just flip that switch on and shut ‘er down for a few!

    Visor Wikipedia for Rednecks & Cowboys: Wait, I have the answer to that … just let me consult my hat.

    Automated Tack Cleaner: Place your dirty tack on the rack and let ‘er rip!

    Stupid Vault: Better than a safe room; it’s where all the dumb stuff you’ve ever said and done gets filed.

    Universal Sizes for Pet Food: For the mathematically challenged. It’s bad enough that you’re raping us, this shouldn’t have to be rocket science too!

    Call Dropping: You can automatically “drop” any phone call mid-sentence. Oh wait, we already have that. It’s called a Cell Phone.

    Hope all your Christmas wishes come true! 🙂

    1. Sign me up for the…
      okay, sign me up for everything!
      Great list. Totally interested in Call Slapping and Vapor lock saddle switch! Nerf Deli bats are sheer genius. Loved your blog 🙂

  2. Lol. Congress is perfect. Did you hear about Romney and the veterans this week?

    Rationalization ray that we could point at things to bring them back to reason. Corp CEO making 700 times his workers (Walmart)? Zap! Back to 32 times, like back in the 50s.

    Transporter from Star Trek.. Sure, we have automatic door openers and communicators, but transporters is where it gets cool.

  3. I love all your ideas and all the comments. Especially Edgar Rice Burro’s name. But I think the one I want the most is the pointy party hat for Congress. Could we please add big clown shoes and a red nose that honks? They have to honk their noses before speaking, too. And yes, it has to be on TV! Oh, that would fix a lot of impasses.

    But the donkey lending library sounds like the most fun. I have a friend who lives in a town in Colorado where there used to be a lot of mines. When mines closed, they let their working donkeys loose, and now there is a sizable donkey population living free in the town. They are quite friendly, and all the residents take care of them and feed them. I’ve seen photos of some of the donkeys, and they seem to be in great condition. That sounds like a good place to live.

    1. Edgar, *swoon* you most certainly may! You are one handsome devil. I also can’t resist your wonderful name. How would you like to be the “face” of the Donkey Lending Library? *You don’t have to be a loaner donkey, but your face would completely engage people into understanding why they need a Long-Ears Library Card.) Let’s get together with Aarene and talk it through!

      1. Jane, I am sorry to tell you this but a Donkey Lending Library would not work. We are all too irresistible to return. You can probably tell by looking at my picture.

        Sincerely, Edgar Rice Burro.

  4. okay 6 seconds ago I would have said nothing since today I acheived my dream- my horse came home to my very own barn.

    however, I have to admit that that donkey lending library idea is a good one.

    oh and one more thing- I want a Murphy in the stall next to Irish. Well not your Murphy- but one exactly like him in every way- a Murphy clone if you will 🙂

  5. Awesome list. I want a horse telepathy translator so they can tell me exactly where it hurts. A little beanie, with a propellor on it tuned to horsey brainwaves.

  6. What a delightful list! This is fun! Mine would include just one more thing…. A space/time travel machine. Can you imagine? “Jane, was thinking of halting time to give myself an extra hour this morning before work. Want to meet me for coffee? Which coast — yours or mine?” Anytime I saw something delicious on tv I could instantly travel to wherever it is made and eat it, no more food envy. And Tucker would get ridden every day!

  7. Donkey Lending Library…Yes Please. Pretty please with chocolate on top!
    FaceTime and Skype connectivity to Heaven , sigh oh how wonderful would that be. Hi Nana, Diamond and Lady! Miss you love you, think of you daily xoxox
    I would add a mare mood stabilizer to the list 😉

    1. I need to BE the donkey librarian. I think it should be a book mobile facility, too, so that I can visit a lot of different people and share donkeys with them.

      “Do you have your library card handy, Miss? Okay, you are limited to a two-donkey checkout, but you may renew each donkey for an additional month if you like. Here’s your donkey and your large unending bag of fresh carrots, thank you very much.”

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