Hudson, Here. You Have No Idea What I Put Up With…

Hudson, here, hacking into the blog.  Tip of the carrot to Smokey; thank you my lady, for tiptoeing on the keyboard.

Jane’s been tending to a sick family member, barfing (whatever THAT is) dog, and healing the wheeled box that brings her to me. Yes, I do know it’s called a car. But it can’t haul a trailer.  Therefore, it doesn’t deserve to be recognized appropriately.

Jane. We need to review. Again.

I am aware you have limited brain capacity, and can’t help it; humans are simply born that way. (Listen to the Lady Gaga song. Finally, a human that gets it.) Trust me, I take your disability into account daily.

How I wish humans could think in concrete, logical terms.

Exhibit A:

I am not going to leave this on.

Note I have hooves. Without fingers, I unable to make the Vulcan sign of greeting. Please take this into account when torturing me with costumes.

I might have stuck my tongue out at you. However, your childish behavior does permit response in kind.

What is that training axiom? You have to deal with the human that shows up.

The way you have shown up lately is unacceptable, and my attempts to work with you have failed.  Thus the hacking.

Let’s review your misconceptions by turning the tables:

  1.  I am going to tie your head to a post and hose you down. With cold water. Then I’ll lather you with – smelly stuff – cleaning in your most private areas, and spray more cold water on you. You will be cold and soaking wet for approximately an hour.
  2. Then you will be left alone, tied by the head, in the sun to “air dry”, where every passing human can see you.
  3. Before you’re completely dry, I will move you to a scenic location, tie your head to a rail, whip out a camera (of course I  know what they are), and take a picture of you doing….Absolutely. NOTHING.
  4. This photo will prove you are completely useless and merely decorative, and therefore,  likely to be shipped off to “a farm in the country”.

Forgive me if I do not want to pose in a way that will prompt a call to the glue factory. There is no WAY I am going to look “nice” on purpose.

Please recall, I am:

  • a guy: we do not want to look “nice”. We want to look fiercely handsome.
  • willing to have any action pics taken at any time. I will re-post visual aids:

Now these are some fine shots. Guy shots. 

May I make a suggestion? I’m okay with wimpy dressage action shots. Ginger’s mom offered to photograph, take her up on that.

Catch me on a day I want to run, ask me to trot, and get some photos of me cantering in place. 

Total warhorse.

I believe there is spinning in dressage, only you call it something frilly French. (Well, of course I speak French. I have all those hours to kill when you’re not there: Rosetta. Stone.)  I like this one, because it’s done at the canter. What was it? Oh yes, pirouette. That trotting in place thing is cool, I’d be onboard with that.  It’s the only antsy movement sanctioned in dressage.

You know I DO antsy beautifully.

Hmm…end every session with your human on a good note.

This is what you are doing well:

  • 5 pounds of carrots a day is sufficient. I’m proud of you for attaining the goal.
  • my regular chiropractic appointments
  • graining before you ride (the goal is to grain before AND after, plz note.)
  • if we ignore overly clean, you do an excellent job making me handsome
  • daily exercise. That’s just the bomb.
  • cooling out with company. Ginger’s hot.
  • massage
  • and I might have liked that squeezy thing you do around my neck.

Good girl!

Tres bien, ma petite chou!

16 thoughts on “Hudson, Here. You Have No Idea What I Put Up With…

    1. My human believes this…thing…will keep flies from bothering my face. She also said something about dust and allergies. She actually thought I’d believe this was the equivalent of sunglasses for horses. Um. No.
      1. I am not bothered by flies on my face. I have Dinero’s tail for that.
      2. Allergies? What allergies? The salt on my face is from sweat and work. My eyes are NOT weeping. I do not cry.
      3. She uses a fly spray that works on me, so I am completely comfortable. Why would I need something hot, sweaty, and itchy (and STUPID) on my face?

      Humans. Always trying to do something unnecessary with us horses. Sort of cute, when you think about the silliness of it. I suppose it means they care.

  1. Mares like guys who smell nice, Hudson. Remember, Rome wasn’t built in a day. Sometimes you have to chunk it down into smaller steps so they can understand.

  2. Dude, I feel your pain on the alien hat. I took the liberty of destroying the first four bizarre silver masks my human got me, until she finally took the hint and got me one without the ear socks. I have long, elegant, regal ears, and those things are not made for creatures with such fine upper appendages. The humans, what with their feeble minds and all, took way too long to figure that out.

    As for the rest of your post – couldn’t agree more. That dressage stuff is for the birds – blech, ick, ack, pffffft. That’s all I have to say about that. Totally get your affinity for cows, I feel the same way about a long approach to a big natural oxer in a nice big open ring. Nothing like getting your eye on the prize and your human leaving you alone to do your thing while you give her the ride of her life! Am I right? We are men of action! We don’t do still photography. The humans should know this by now.

    p.s. – How did you get your human to dispense that many carrots in one sitting? Mine is so stingy….

    1. I knew I could count on you to understand. Fellow man of action and all. Yes, I wish she’d point me at something fun, sit still, and let me do my job. How to convey a 20 M circle is not fun? Problematic.

      I have never left a face cover on in my life. Hate the feel. Right after she snapped that pic, I rubbed it off on her leg, velcro intact. She got it. No more face covers.

      Carrots, duuuude this is so easy you’re going to roll. I refused to let her touch water to my face at all , but did manage to convey the idea I might be amenable to ‘learning’ not to throw my head up in avoidance if I had gustatory incentive. I kept my eye on the bag, and was finally “cured” (but still suspicious) when the last carrot was gone.

      I may have a relapse if she doesn’t bring another 5 lb bag today. (Still contemplating how much she will believe.) I despise water dripping down my face, so I’m not lying…exactly. I prefer to approach it as needing behavior modification therapy. A lot of behavior modification therapy. Prolonged behavior modification therapy. My guess is I’ll have her trained to unthinkingly bring a bag a day if I do this for 30 days. Voila. Her behavior will be modified. Win-win.

  3. All those are pretty valid points Hudson, I understand the bath thing, I really do. But, sometimes you gotta do what ya gotta do Bro. That grain doesn’t grow on trees.

    1. I agree, I do have to pull my weight in the allowing affection department. I think where Jane and I disagree is on the frequency of bathing. Once a year is more than sufficient. Every hot day? Puhleeeze.

  4. Never have I been so grateful to have a mare.

    Granted, not a foofy, pretty mare. (Hana is foofy and pretty, and Fiddle thinks she is a dweeb). But at least, a mare who is able to stand and look fabulous.

    Hudson, dude: if you want more hot mares to hang around, you need a fabulous FB profile photo. Something that shows your face and your abs. Flex, honey.

    Just sayin’.

    1. Aarene, you have an excellent point. I stand gratefully corrected. I will now pose for an awesome FB profile pic.
      I admit, in my, er, grouchiness, I had not thought of the guy things of flexing and looking like chiseled model. I believe my friend Tucker knows how to do this, I’ll ask him for some tips.

    1. Thank the Lord.
      I don’t think I could not hug him. Luckily, he’s been very indulgent. I can drape myself over him, hug him (briefly) around the neck, and hug his butt forever, or until he pins me against the rail, angling for a butt rub. 😉

      1. I totally think the action shots are cooler, but a pro photographer my horse show yesterday caught some still shots of me where I’m all sweaty and out of breath… I think they still look pretty manly and awesome. Maybe you can suggest that the human takes some still photos of you after a workout. At least it gives you something to do besides stand there….

  5. Dear Hudson,
    Long time… (I hate “lurker” sounds incredibly creepy and I am a delicate and finely bred maiden)… reader here, I’m Hadassah. Keep up the good work, your wit and intellect are dazzling. Maybe if my human ever got a blog up worth reading she would let me post how I really feel about those ridiculous sticks she puts on the ground she calls “cavaletti” and how sugar cubes and carrots are supposed to be on the daily feed schedule! I can sincerely relate to the need for speed, and this pish-tosh nonsense our humans calls “dressage.” I’ve been watching the more advanced horses though and I’m pretty sure there’s a hand-gallop in.the.dressage.arena at the higher levels, think of that!

    Well, must depart for now. My chestnut coat needs some shining and it’s sugar time! Oh, and if you could be a dear, do tell Barbie that Murphy is just the sweetest looking doll-face and we need more pictures!

    1. My dear, we do not have lurkers here. You are right, it’s such a distasteful and sneaky word. Certainly it would not apply to a lady like yourself. You were merely a gentle pre-commentor. A fine thing to be. I will pass the message to Barbie, and nudge my human to go take photos. A lady who enjoys a hand gallop…you are a rare breed, and I’m very honored a gentlemare like you has chosen to respond. May the grass be with you, and the jumps at your back.

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