What Jane said about spring yesterday? Yeah, good. Whatever. Sunshine, butterflies, clouds and kittens. Yawn.
Jane, we need to have a little chat.
- Mud is good. A little mud won’t hurt a guy.
- Mud gives a dude that tough, rough, and ready look.
- You don’t have to understand. It’s a cowboy thing.
Bring me in, scrape a square off my back, and throw on the gear, okay? Five minutes for grooming, max. No half-an-hour stuff. Let’s GO. When did you decide I need a daily show-horse grooming? Do you know how much galloping time we lose? I’m a camping dude. I don’t care if there is a tree branch in my tail or my mane is sticking straight up.
No one cares if I look like a horse cutout of the Great Salt Flats. No. One. Especially me. Fine. I like a good grooming. Say, 15 minutes, once a week. If you’re going to do this daily curry, use-every-stupid-brush-in-the-box regimen, (hellooooo, just do the itchy parts, K?), followed by toweling, you must put food in front of me.
Lots of food. A trash can full is appropriate.
Grooming Golden Rule:
The food must outlast the time it takes you to “groom”. It should also be grain. And carrots. Fine to toss in a few cookies. Please remember I hate apples.
I totally freaked out because of you. I should not be able to see any part of my face reflected anywhere in my coat. I thought another horse was leaping out of my shoulder! That’s sick. And wrong. Jeeze. Can’t a guy scratch an itch without having a heart attack? C’mon, Jane.
Thank god I’m shedding. Finally. Bye, bye hearts. Use the shedding blade on those please. Frequently. In fact, forget the rest of the grooming, I’ll live with mud under the saddle pad. Concentrate on shedding out
those hearts my long hair.
I think Vlad’s mom has a Furminator. Borrow it.
Now. About moving cows this coming Sunday.
- I should be appropriately muddy.
- There will be cows: that’s what a cattle drive is. Moving cows. K?
- I am a cow horse.
- Do what the real cowgirls say.
- Let me do my job.
- Do NOT fall off. I repeat. DO NOT FALL OFF.
- You may not embarrass me in front of the other cow horses.
- Blend in. Try to look like a cowgirl, maybe the other horses won’t notice the DQ aura.
- Don’t pretend you know what you’re doing.
- Do act like you can handle it. You can. You have me. ‘Nuff said.
Got it, Jane? Ixnay on the groomingay, and relax, I can do cows in my sleep.
Oh crap. Make sure you borrow tack from Bella.
If you try to ride in your dressage saddle, I will, um, accidentally…nevermind. Let’s get clear: I will BUCK you off.