Jane’s Epitaph

This is for Funder. You inspired me.

The first time I read Funder’s blog,  It Seemed Like A Good Idea At The Time, I laughed out loud. That’s what she chose for her epitaph:

It seemed like a good idea at the time…

I immediately wondered what I’d choose.

I wish I could say it was a long, thoughtful process, with much deliberation. But this is me.  Instant answer.  Not pretty.  My tombstone won’t say lovely things like Adoring Mom, Loving Friend, or Fought bravely for Country.

After Here Lies Jane, mine will say:

Some Assembly Required

To go with a concrete depiction, this comes close:

(Close: I’d already assembled 3 pieces before it occurred to me to document the process.)

I identify with this photo.  I ordered something off the internet that claimed to be pre-assembled, with only some assembly required.

When two boxes arrived, I was delighted.  All I would have to do is put part A into part B and I’d have my thing.

That’s how I approach my life.  Life is simple: you put part A into part B, and occasionally add parts C and D.  It’s also why I’m constantly surprised when I unpack one of Life’s metaphorical boxes, and “Part A” turns out to be, well, see above.  Ultimately: not immediately plug-in-able to Part B.

Sigh.

A few hours, and some Google translation of Chinese later, we had:

The electric fireplace I wanted for our sun porch.

That night, I made Shaun promise to put Some Assembly Required on my tombstone.  At the very least, hundreds of years from now, anthropologists will find it hilariously funny someone placed that over a box of loose bones.

I’d love one last chance to make someone laugh.

What’s your epitaph?

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13 thoughts on “Jane’s Epitaph

  1. Halt Near X

    You Never Knew Me.

    No name, no dates.

    No coffin – I want to be cremated and my ashes scattered.

    Just a stone, saying “You Never Knew Me.”

    And then buried under the stone will be a stone or metal box full of books (Virgil, Catullus, etc) with an inscription that reads “But You Should Know These” and the exegi monumentum line from Horace.

    Reply
  2. Marissa

    Two ex-boyfriends have provided tag lines over the years that I’ve always thought should be listed somewhere about me. Why not on a tombstone? They are:

    “Sweet, like poison.”
    and
    “Like running into a brick wall over and over again, with no desire to stop.”

    (Now you all have a better idea of why I am single at the moment.)

    Reply
  3. C

    Oh, man! I want the redneck Sharpie one! I’d love to say my epitaph should be, “Runs with scissors” but it’s more likely to be, “Parental guidance suggested.”

    Reply
  4. Posky

    I had to put one of those together for my parents once too.

    I heard that the amish will put one together for you and you still only pay $99.

    Reply
  5. AareneX

    Interestingly, we figured out my eptitaph just last night, when Jim found a poem and read it to me. The poem is online here: http://bit.ly/dSTnfO and the title is “He done his damnedest.”

    However, as Jim points out, I am (among other things) the Grammar Fairy. I would not rest easily under a bad verb. Therefore: “She did her damnedest.”

    I’m good with that.

    Reply
    1. theliteraryhorse Post author

      I think that’s the ultimate compliment. “She Did Her Damnedest”.
      Maybe I should have that chiseled below “Some Assembly Required”.

      Yup. It’s coming together. Those of you who read the Positive Outlook/Suicide post can rest easy. Not planning on laying down under those words any time soon. I’m still comforting my butter knife.

      Reply
  6. eventer79

    How about “I did it the hard way, but damn, I had fun.” Or “insert smartass comment here.” Or even better “I started carving this epitaph, ran out of patience and then just decided to redneck it with a sharpie.”

    Reply
  7. Teresa

    My would read “She found a short cut”. I am obsessed with shortcuts and I always have been. I used to come home covered in mud, leaves and bits of grass, smiling, saying “I found a short cut”. Forget ‘used to’. I still do 🙂

    Reply

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