I IM’d Daisy after writing yesterday’s post. I had to tell her about this totally hilarious thing that happened to me. That I could conceivably kill myself over. I figured someone should know.
A few days ago I watched a TED talk on YouTube. A prominent psychiatrist talking about what makes up happiness, and that psychiatry has discovered happiness is quantifiable: they can now test for it, support it, give you stuff to do to increase your chances of being happy.
I wrote down the name of the university website, and promptly took all of their personality tests. Hey, I couldn’t sleep, I’m sick (who doesn’t want to be happy when they are running a fever?) and there was nothing on TV. Perfect time to see what sort of stuff one is made of.
I rated in the top 100 percentile for positive outlook on life.
I also got the highest possible score for suicidal depression.
Numerous warnings flashed on the results page. Call a Suicide hotline immediately! If the line is busy, call police! NO, think of pretty flowers, not bridges! Do not move, reach for phone! Get help! Tell someone right NOW! Do not get in the car!! Hug your dog!
Pretty much, this translated in my brain as a pleading sobbing voice saying: please don’t die, please don’t die now…think of all the suffering children in 3rd world countries who’d kill to be where you are, please let someone help you PLEASE. We’re begging you!
(FYI: none of the questions asked if I was suicidal.)
Oh my GOD. I’m suicidal and I don’t even know it!
I spent six minutes sitting rigidly still, afraid the silverware drawer would come closer. I imagined it creeping closer and closer, the contents saying you want me, you know you do…
A threatening butter knife speaking to me in an evil voice made me…
Pretty soon the spoons chimed in: aw don’t do that! You’ll wreck his self-esteem! Don’t laugh at him, he’ll feel pathetic.
The butter knife looks like it’s about to cry. He’s all weepy. Aw.
The forks grumble: would you guys give it up already? Some of us are trying to sleep. Besides, we already tried killing her, she’s just going to laugh at you.
I’m suicidal, but I have a very positive feeling about it, cheerful, even!