Play Date!

Saturday fun: go to Listful Thinking, and read How to use eHow to Turn Yourself into a Comedic Force to be Reckoned With.  You have to admire a blogger who, in difficult situations, asks herself: “What Would Sid Vicious Do?”

I had no idea eHow could be so incredibly entertaining.  I howled with laughter, thinking she was making this stuff up.  But I clicked the links.  Totally there.

You can type in “How to Look Like Pamela Anderson” and le voila.

I got so excited about the possibilities that my brain exploded, and I couldn’t think of a single thing I wanted to know how to do, when of course, I want to know how to do everything.

I mumble to self:  just start typing…that’s right…how…to…

Whoa.  This thing has autocomplete.   I scan the autocomplete list for how-to-something interesting. Right at the top:

How To Get Pregnant: Access Step by Step Instructions!

Really?  We need step by step instructions? “Access” is not a word you would use in a sentence to teach a child about pregnancy.  This is aimed at adults.  Since my brain is still on Egg Nog and Holiday Light Removal, I free associate:

How to Have a Virgin Birth

Scanning…scanning…Virgin MargaritasHome BirthSkit Ideas… (?)  Call me crazy, but I can’t imagine a virgin birth skit being a top priority on summer camp Talent Night. Still scanning….Bingo.

Virgin. Birth.

Granted, you have to be a shark, which is a tad scary when you contemplate the only other known virgin birth.  On the other hand, it might resolve the whole Darwin/Creation debate.  The virgin birth coinciding with fishies climbing out of the water?

Go Play.

Life’s pressing questions have answers that await:

  • How to keep your mother in law at a safe distance
  • How to buy your first Yacht
  • How to lie well
  • How to determine your chances of becoming a billionaire
  • How to stop eating cake
  • How to train a fish
  • How to whistle for a taxi with two fingers
  • How to make friends with a horse

We know that one, but it’s nice to know it’s out there for the general public.

So.  What did you ask?! I’m dying to know!  Favorite answer?

(Head’s up: family blog.)

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8 thoughts on “Play Date!

  1. Marissa

    Okay I now think that AareneX and I may be the same person. The first thing I typed in was “how to survive a zombie attack,” and after I recovered from fits of laughter, I scrolled down to leave this comment, and then realized I’m both unoriginal and strange. I guess we kind of knew that though.

    Other helpful searches:
    How to avoid a Quarter-Life Crisis (I am in desparate need of this advice!);
    How to sleep walk (always thought this would be a great way to get more out of my day);
    How to use heavy machinery (you never know when that would come in handy);
    How to become a cowboy (always wanted to do that);
    How to be famous (just in case, I want to be prepared);
    And last but not least…. Evil Genius Tips. Mwahahahaha.

    Reply
  2. AareneX

    This is handy stuff: type in “zombie apocalypse” (don’t fret about spelling “apocalypse” correctly, because lots of very informative people have some very creative ways of spelling the word, and the EHow robots can find them all).

    “Defending with swords against zombies”
    “Handy vehicles for surviving zombie attack”
    “Why animals cannot become zombies”
    “Fortify your home against zombies”
    “Improvised weaponry against zombies”
    “Protect yourself from zombie hookers”

    and on the same page, for no apparent reason: “How to prepare your floor for carpeting”. WTH?

    Reply
    1. theliteraryhorse Post author

      HA HA HA HA HA

      The only conclusion springing to mind: carpet installers are all Zombies, so you’d better prepare that dang floor well first! (and check out Improvised weaponry too)

      Reply
  3. Halt Near X

    Well, I tried looking up “How to Ask a Question on eHow,” but apparently no one knows. Or if they do, it’s not in the first page or two of results, which is as long as my attention span lasts.

    The answer to “How to stop eating cake,” by the way, is “eat the entire cake until it’s gone.” Problem solved. And I didn’t even have to look that one up!

    Reply

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