I don’t get to call myself a cat burglar. My B & E doesn’t pad on quiet little paws. My B & E clip-clops. I’m about as unobtrusive as a goat. (I had a busy week: 2 break-ins.)
Breaking and Entering #1
I text Daisy.
Jane: r u home yet?
Daisy: sadly, no. dr. appt.
Jane: Great. btw, I’m going to do a B & E on your house.
Daisy: do I care? (Not that it matters, you can break in whenever you want)
Jane: nah. you’re fine with it. I need you not to be home.
Daisy: ok. mammo takes @ hour, errands, then home…long enough?
Jane: Yup. have fun getting mashed.
Daisy: the joy is killing me.
Jane: planting subliminal msg: you are gonna be real hungry or real thirsty for something COLD when you get home.
Daisy: ??? Normal?
Jane: hoisting crowbar, singing hi ho hi ho it’s off to work we go…
Daisy: NO CROWBAR (right?)
The break-in goes seamlessly. I keep the chickens out and the cats in. Honestly, she should get surveillance cameras. Oh wait. She has bodyguards. The goats and sheep pat me down thoroughly before I’m halfway to her door. I am unarmed: they let me go. I sense chewing-disappointment: true, this shirt does look rather tasty. I rummage for forgotten horse cookies, and leave the bodyguards fighting over the spoils.
I plant the evidence quickly, and scramble out of there while the goats are still chewing.
I wait. A few hours later I get a feeler text. Daisy can’t figure out why I broke in, and she’s probing.
Daisy: did you have a good B & E?
Jane: lovely. (sheep are hungry, btw. goats ate it all.)
There’s a long pause.
Daisy: Was there a reason ?
Jane: kick your subliminal mind. you’re hungry.
Longer pause. Uh-oh. Sigh. She’s standing in front of the fridge with the door open, trying to figure out what I put in there.
Jane: Close the door.
Daisy: fine. closed.
Another long pause.
Jane: You feel a strong need to stare at the fridge door.
Daisy: WOW, what a great pic!! Thank you!!
Jane: We needed a 5 x 7 of Barbie’s belly for the fridge. Baby pictures.
Daisy: I love it!
Jane: close the door! Geeze, I’m sorry. No food, really. My bad. Does Buddy’s Pizza deliver out there? I have on speed dial…
Daisy: NO. Great. Now I want pizza. NITE.
Daisy: (really do love the pic!)
Jane: I know. 🙂
Barbie’s Baby Bump, day 45: