Buying Your Horse at the Mall

This post brought to you courtesy of  kidding around with Wendy at Wendy’s Horse Adventures. (She has a brilliant concept: a RideOMeter; scan your horse, get a printout of what to expect before you mount.)  Joking around jostled my short term memory.  I’d forgotten I wanted to tell y’all about  Sunday.

The family went to the mall, and of course we all had to troop over to Brookstone and stick our feet in their amazing foot massagers.  Ahhhh.

Unfortunately for our budget, I wandered around, and I found my new horse.  Right there, IN THE MALL.  No kidding.   Talk about sacked out.   For the low, low price of $500, this horse can be YOURS.  As long as you have an electrical outlet and control of your children.

Look Ma, no hands...or feet...or seat!

I had to try it.  We already know I have no dignity to lose, so why not?  The one I tried didn’t have the stirrups attached, which given the placement and rigidity, is just as well.

I eschewed the bucking strap (!) pushed the On button,  and immediately started  giggling like a ten year old.  (I don’t think this was the creator’s intent.)  It was roughly the equivalent of  riding a hyper, short-strided Shetland pony that occasionally dropped a shoulder.   I went gently up and down, and shifted slightly to the right or left in the same pattern, over and over.   A Shetland with no imagination.  Nothing like the real thing.

High speed was enough to make me laugh uncontrollably for days: a frantic and mad Shetland pony.

I WANT IT.  Not just for the laughter/endorphin potential, but because it actually does work those core muscles for you, if you stay centered in your seat while the itty bitty pony careens around.  No Pilate’s!   TV and snacks! That is so worth $500.  I doubt seriously it would make anyone a better rider, but it could potentially help you achieve the abs and some balance practice needed to become a better rider.

I’m going to start working on Shaun for an Anniversary/Christmas/Birthday/Valentines day combo present potential.

There is a real horse simulator out there, complete with video screen, which I also want, but like the waiters that hand you menus with no prices, none are listed on the site: it’s easy to assume it could financially replace a Grand Prix horse.

Personally, I would save the shadbelly and top hat for the, um, actual show ring.



6 thoughts on “Buying Your Horse at the Mall

  1. highmountainmuse

    If I start getting too serious and need a good laugh, I know where to turn. Thanks, Jane.
    Who would have known someone took the time to think these things up, and then make them? Hmmm… would have been fun to stick around the store longer to see who else gave it a second look.

    1. theliteraryhorse Post author

      Clearly I need a lesson in comment threading. Hopefully this will work. Gin, in response to who else was looking…this will SO crack you up. It was cooler-than-cool Rapper Dude who got on next, talked into it by highly flirtatious Sales Girl, earnestly convincing him it would improve his dancing.

      The mom in me refrained from saying “Young man pull those pants up right now!” and “Honey wait, there’s ice cream on your Do-Rag, let me just wipe it off with some spit on my Kleenex.” and “Don’t do it! It’s a trap! She wants to show you she can do it better!”

  2. Wendy

    ROFL!!! That’s is great – you know, there’s something to be said for a $500 horse substitue that leaves no manure, doesn’t bite or eat, can’t kick (no legs!), and I’ll betcha the next version could have programmed gaits, including spontaneous algorithmic bucking and whirling… the only drawback would be the expense of installing the virtual room in which to put it!

    Question: The horse-eciser costs about as much as the top hat in the other picture, doesn’t it?

    Give me the hay particles in my clothes and hair, and the smell of real horse any day. Although, maybe the horse-eciser could be put in front of the computer, and I could write and get a work out…


    1. theliteraryhorse Post author

      That was my first justification thought: the Brookstone one costs the same as one of those little top hats I’d need to show in (NOT. I’m not at that level, but what non-horsey family member has to know that teensy fact??) and it looks so much more substantial for the money. Think it will fly?

    1. theliteraryhorse Post author

      I really DO want one. (not likely with our kids-first financial policy) It was exercise if you did it correctly. By that I mean, “as you would on a horse”…I didn’t see the instruction booklet. AND it was FUN. Brookstone is pretty laid back about people trying out their stuff. Let’s just say the staff was starting to edge towards me. Nothing sinister unless they were carrying mace.


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