Being Food Lucky

Disclaimer: off topic.  Unless you count That Look from Tiny yesterday.  And the Oof when I mounted.  Negative didn’t work.  New tactic: must look for sunny side of wanting sugar 24/7.

I consider myself food lucky.   I live in a country where food is plentiful and I can afford what I need.  I’m lucky enough get 3 meals a day.  I have major gratitude for that.  I also have major gratitude that I kinda don’t care what I eat at meals.  (Except lima beans – self explanatory – or liver.  I find it difficult to be grateful for edible organs.)

Here’s the problem bright side: being food lucky doesn’t stop with meals.  I’m lucky enough to have donuts throw themselves at me.  Cookies too.  Same with chips.  Did I mention the muffins, pastries, candy and cupcakes?  They seem to worship me.  I appear to be magnetically attractive to sugar.  Everywhere I go, some don’t-need-it food item tries to glom onto my body.  I end up walking around with sugar stuck to me.   I can pry it off at home, the barn, pretty much anywhere…except in the car.

There is some sort of mind control device in my car.  I get in, not thinking about much…maybe riding, the kids, the dog, or if I need a haircut.  The minute I turn the key in the ignition, a PowerPoint Bakery Presentation materializes holographically on the windshield.

Complete with eating talking points.  Slide after slide of color photos.  Wow.  Pretty.  That one looks good.  Oh wait, this one looks really good.

The  graph that charts the donuts-to-hips ratio zooms past at light speed.  Oh that, not important…some dumb graph the COO decided we needed to include to provide visual balance.

I was IMing Lilli about this phenomenon:

Lilli: got your ER txt too late to resp last night.  bad food day yest?  My LR threw some M&M’s at me when I got home.  had to eat them so I didn’t slip and break a hip.

Me: smart on the m&m’s.  bad 4 a doc to show up with broken bones.  me –car problems.  kept driving by danger zones.  sideswiped by doritos.  small ding.

Lilli knows there isn’t one place between my house and the barn where I could drive past so much as a brussel sprout.  However, just because you’re a doc who knows  the disgusting truth about hardened arteries doesn’t give you special food dispensation.

Lilli: get it.

Me:  just missed getting hit by a donut last night too (what is UP with the donuts??  Do I like donuts?) they keep throwing themselves at me.

Lilli: ok donuts are poison, transfat galore stay away stay away

Me: cake is better than donuts?  Uh-oh…brain is kicking in.  NO WAIT, DON’T ANSWER.  You’ll trap yourself.

Pause while we both think.

Lilli: cake is better than donuts.  not fried.

Another pause, while I think.

Eureka.

I have the answer.  Better fill Lilli in right away.

Me: I have solved the problem.

Lilli: solution?  really??

Me: I need a new car.

Lilli: banging forehead.  Of course!  why didn’t I think of that?  I bet a Jag would solve the M&M’s…

Me: totally. your living room will be so jealous it won’t throw welcome home food at you.  wonder what kind of car I should get?

Lilli: something without a powerpoint plug in.  I know.  a convertible!  blow away slides.  hold…looking for pics…can you tell i don’t want to catch up on paperwork?

Friends.  They’re the best.  And whew, what a relief.  I could have had a real problem…like something wonky in me.

It’s just car trouble.

Copyright © 2009. The Literary Horse. All rights reserved.
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