Polodrama

You guys all email each other while I ice the body parts that either currently aren’t working, or are temporarily larger than Shaun’s La-Z-Boy. This is why we all keep a minimum of two gigantic ice pillows in the freezer. And six tons of frozen peas. (I prefer Green Giant baby peas. They shift well.)

In the home of incredibly clever horsewomen, ahem, (or those too lazy to return them to the barn) you might see a stack of polo wraps on the dryer, rolled and ready to use. Nice clean soft fluffy polo wraps alllll ready to go. You know…should your horse ever need them.

We all buy polos even though they’re a bit outdated.  Note to polo die-hards: stop right there.  I don’t need to hear how polos are NOT outdated and I’m a heretic.  Be honest.  C’mon.  In your heart of hearts.

On the one hand: skilled precise wrapping with four looong bandages to four legs while crouching at tail lashing level AND remembering to duct tape the Velcro if it’s wet out.  Tell me you haven’t had an only-one-cup-of-coffee morning staring at the polo roll thinking “WHICH way again?”.  We all know polos can cause a bowed tendon if you put them on wrong.  Yeah, these are state of the art protection…for very experienced grooms, vets, and horsewomen.  And if you have a leisurely 20 minutes to tack up.

On the other hand: neoprene boots you can slap on before your horse can say:  “Carrot now?”

Besides, I was saying We All Buy Them, remember?  Chop chop.  Stay with me here.  Usually we buy two sets.  We need an extra set in case one is in the wash OR we end up with That Set.

In every tack shop bin of bagged polos, there is at least one set that contains an anti-social polo.  Why do you think the bags have secured zippers?  Manufacturers KNOW a certain percentage of their wraps are not properly socialized and will disappear as soon as you cut the plastic tie holding the zippers closed.  I call that polo the “Marco Polo”.  Can’t find it unless you give up and toss the other three.  It cheats.  It never answers “POLO!” when you yell “Marco?” into your storage bin.

You can’t beat ’em in emergencies or layup situations where ice needs to be evenly held gainst a horse’s injury.  (Who wants to sit there trying to hold ice on a grumbling horse?)  That’s why we all have them, right?

Suuure.  How exactly do we most often use that estra set on the dryer?  Currently: number one is keeping an ice pillow firmly in place around my knee, number two is mooshing frozen peas against my elbow, number three is pressing another ice pillow to my lower back, and number four is keeping my arthritic ankle warm.  The great thing about them?  You may look like the Michelin man (or a olorful leper), but you can do anything and still follow doctors orders, at least in theory.  Hey, I’m icing.  The doc didn’tsay anything about walking the dog at the same time, emptying hte dishwasher, or sitting at a keyboard.  Or riding. (Oops.  Did I say that out loud??)

If only lay people knew how much easier (and cheaper!) their lives would be with polos, VetWrap, frozen veggies and duct tape.  Think of how many hands have been instantly unchapped by Bag Balm.  Off-label is the bomb.

Suggestion of the day: meditate on the off-label use of polos.  Then let the rest of us know.  And that pink one you found with your 3 green ones?  It’s my Marco, fork it over.  Any of you missing a black one?

Call me.

Copyright © 2009. The Literary Horse. All rights reserved.
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