When Opposites Detract

Marriage.  It’s full of compromises.  Especially when it comes to the remote.  Let’s compare favorite channels:

My Favorites Shaun’s Favorites
Food Network* Food Network
FIT* FOX (for House)
Showtime Showtime
HBO HBO
RFD ANY channel broadcasting the most horrific reality show
BRAVO
NASA
Animal Planet
TLC
HIST
Discovery
BBC America
PBS
DIY
HGTV
BYU**

* Food Network and The Fitness Channel: you haven’t lived until you have spent an hour lolling on the couch with a box of chocolates flipping back and forth between Amazing Desserts and Rock Hard Abs with Rick.

**BYU: The Mormon Channel.  This is my Sci-Fi channel.  Who are these people, how did they get so white & clean, when will they invade, and what makes such scrubbed, friendly-looking folks hate me so much?

Watching TV with each other is like trying to shove the wrong ends of two magnets together.  I like watching paint dry.  The sounds of power saws, sanders, slow talking New Englanders and English accents relax me.

For Shaun, this is all fingernails on a blackboard.  Relaxing, to her, is Inside San Quentin.

In the interest of domestic harmony, we watch a lot of Diners, Drive-in’s, and Dives or (my FAV) The Ace of Cakes. I’ve gotten acclimated to House in a boil-the-frog-slow kind of way.  I still have to put fingers over my eyes and say “tell me when I can look again” while Shaun repeats “Don’t look..don’t look…don’t look… DON’T. LOOK.” with increasing intensity.

I am truly thankful we both love The Starter Wife.

My friend Daisy and I were IM-ing while working:

Daisy: Pls hold.  Need another Red Bull
Me: Hooooolding…la la la…
Me: Is it lunch time yet?
Daisy: NO!
Me: But I’m HUNGRY
Daisy: Walk to fridge.  Open.  Pull out Diet Coke.
Me: Fine.  What are you doing?
Daisy: Shopping online.  Need new blanket for FH.*  You?
Me: Shopping online.  Stocking stuffers for wife.
Daisy: Do either of us WORK?
Me: Are you crazy?  NO.  Ideas 4 gifts The Christmas Present can’t maul?
Daisy: You should get her ID…
Me: ?????
Daisy: IDTV
Me: What’s that?
Daisy: The Gruesome Channel
Me: You’re kidding.
Daisy: No.  Watched Lizzie Borden @ 3am while getting ready 4 wk.  Great.
Me: Do NOT tell me you like the prison channels.
Daisy: Not like.  LOVE.
Me: Why are we friends again?
Daisy: Because I’m GREAT.  Get it.  She’ll love it.  Think FH would look good in pink plaid?
Me: Yes 2 PkPld.  But then *I’ll* have to watch it.
Daisy: I’m rolling my eyes.
Me: Seriously.  If you ever tell her about it I will blackmail you.
Daisy: Just added PkPld to cart.  Tell me she doesn’t need a new halter.
Me: She DOES NOT need another halter.  Don’t you have like 4 of them?
Daisy: 6. But *this* one has rhinestones.  Pink.
Me: Winter + rhinestones = tarnish.  Wait till spring.  B on sale.
Daisy: Removing from cart…
Me: Serious @ blackmail.  I HATE prison TV.  HATE.
—- no response
Me: I’ll make it up.  I swear.  I have CG’s* email from one of your fwds
Daisy: You wouldn’t.
Daisy: I take it back.  You would.
Me: Darn Tootin
Daisy: FINE. Get her a pr of slippers TCP can rip to shreds.
Me: Sigh.  Do I really have to tell her about ID?
Daisy: YES
Me: YOU are coming to dinner.  Bring beer.  I’ll do the dishes.
Daisy: For 2 hours?
Me: I’ll wax the stove.  And the counters.  Maybe the floor…
Daisy: Eye rolling.  So lame.  What if I use hair spray on the rhinestones?
Me: Won’t work.  You need a clear coat, not a fixative.
Daisy: What’s a clear coat?
Daisy: And how do you KNOW this stuff?
Me: Something that will keep the rhinestones sparkly and wreck the leather.
Me: Dyke = Home Depot, remember?
Daisy: Removing from cart…second time.  Don’t you have Direct TV?
Me: Y
Daisy: Then you have IDTV.  Tell.
Me: What kind of beer are u bringing?  (BTW, you just added chocolate cake to your grocery list.)
Daisy: Sorry.  You’re on your own.
Me: WHINE
Daisy: EYE ROLLING…Walgreens has earplugs.
Me: So if I knit…& use earplugs…it’ll look like I’m watching AND I get marriage points?
Daisy: DUH
Me: You’re brilliant, you know that?
Daisy: That’s why they pay me the big bucks.  Are there any clear whatevers that won’t wreck the leather?
Me: They pay u big bucks to talk to me?  If you’re willing to paint each rhinestone.
Daisy: Nothing I can spray?
Me: Nope.
Daisy: Removing from cart…third time.

There you have it.  My work day, and how Shaun found the IDTV channel.  Someone up there likes me.  I didn’t even have to buy earplugs.  Our Direct TV package doesn’t include IDTV.  AND I got marriage points for telling.  YAHOOOOOO.  See?  TV harmony.  It’s all about willingness to compromise.  And earplugs.

*FH: nickname for Daisy’s mare; Friggin Horse

*CG: Code for Cute Guy

Copyright © 2009. The Literary Horse. All rights reserved.
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