Most of our significant others have the mistaken impression that this is the green stuff we feed our horses:
But in higher denominations.
It is not the least bit telling that I had to find this photo on the internet. Because my wallet has a single dollar bill. That’s just smart, right? With all the muggers waiting in all the non-existent alleys in this small town, it’s better to leave, um, “excess” cash* in the bank. (Do NOT let your significant other read the stuff after asterisk.)
*I know, I know: “excess cash” is a foreign concept. I’ll save you Googling time: excess cash is money beyond what one needs to pay one’s “household” bills.
In which there are no line-items entitled “Hudson’s dentistry”, “Dover breeches sale”, or “supplements”. (Those things are covered under “dentist”, “clothing allowance”, and “emergency medical savings”.)
How horses save us money:
- No fancy gym membership fee!
Theoretically, we get all the exercise we need from riding. Or more common: hours spent trudging after horses in pasture, because acreage causes horses to forgot they have names. What grain is. And who we are. (Ask Daisy.)
- No pricey hair stylist fees!
It all comes down to helmet hair. Which ‘style’ works best with baseball hats and riding helmets? The universal (men and women) pony tail. Hair elastics: $2 for 100.
- No pricey hair products!
I just bring home a little ShowSheen, to make it seem like I meant my hair to be
COMPLETELY FLAT, I mean sleek. Like J-Lo.
- Target is our friend!
Everything except the boots and breeches: Target sale racks. The secondary purpose of our clothing is to serve as giant horse napkins anyway.
Target, (pronounced Tar-Jay to confuse friends who refuse to shop anywhere but Bloomingdale’s) has a wide choice of colors favorable to the horse woman: “alfalfa slime” green, “hit the dirt” arena gray, and “winter mud” chocolate. I’ve even seen some bright “Furicin” yellow in their workout wear! Check out the teen section for “I’m confused” pattern mixtures. I’ve spotted Horsewoman Cammo. Hides all the colors above, even Betadine.
- No Botox! No Filler!
Since we are regularly smacked in the face by Dobbin’s 50 lb boney head in our attempts to hug his sweet wittow bittee adawabol face, we all have giant lips, nicely snug skin (covers the swelling) and, if we’re lucky, bruising. (see below)
- Half the make-up costs!
Because of the black eye (technically purple, green, or yellow), we only need to use those outdated colors – perpetually on sale – on the remaining eye that is not black! Win-win if you have two black eyes.
This photo (Google Images) illustrates my point, nicely covering all stages of bruising:
We just happen to have horse-related proof. What a coincidence!
(Warning for the non-horsey, graphic photo.)
Jane’s not-supermodel eye yesterday morning (no make up) after hugging Hudson the day before:
Ta-Da! Five minutes later, with 75% off bruise-green eye shadow, we have something one would only see on a runway of a famous designer. (Granted, after hiring a truly sloppy makeup artist):
Fine. I do need to invest in some 90 % off red eyeliner. And be slightly more careful in application. And possibly wax my brows again.
The great thing? I’ve only covered the personal-care expense category.
How does your horse save YOU money?