1. Please remove Jane’s clippers. I’m either going to end up naked, or with more randomly selected bald spots.
2. A steer, please. They make such good…pets.
3. A Mrs. Pastures Easy Bake Oven, Industrial Version.
4. Carrot seeds. Dinero and I have discussed organizing a carrot co-op with our new roomie, Woodward. We want to put a garden in our, uh, restroom.
5. New wardrobe: Full face Slinky, and whatever else you feel like throwing in? I know Santa giveth, but Jane must payeth Santa back. (The only thing I really need is the slinky to cover my face, but Jane really really needs the opportunity to PAY.)
6. Please do not give Jane a donkey.
7. Kitten? Pleaaaaase? Puhleaaaazeeeeee…?
8. Movie tickets. I want to see War Horse. (Oh. Yeah. Tub O Popcorn! Now that’s the way to eat grain.)
9. Two T-shirts: mine should say “Boss” and Dinero’s should say “Do I look like I care?”
10. Dinero has been leafing through cattle ranch brochures. Maybe you could give him a tiny vacation at Trixie’s? Not that I care what he wants or anything. But I could like drop by and stuff. And bring my pet steer.
I have been a most excellent equine this year. My friends have given me this great idea: reindeer are terrific for minus 60 degrees and stuff. But horses are way better for the whole off-season pull the sleigh thing? I’m thinking Cabo or a private tropical island with loads of grass. Sea, sky, warm, grass…you could wear a Speedo, and Mrs. Claus could wear that bikini in peace (horses don’t judge.)
Psst, all my equine buddies on board? Let’s petition Santa for the warm time of year…